Monday, June 29, 2009

Nobody Else

I was used to you and me,

Walking side by side...

Talking ‘bout our hopes and dreams,

Staring at the skies.

Like stars, your eyes are shining bright

Emerald green… such a pretty sight

You seem to be walking on the clouds

“Why?” I want to ask aloud.

But the question inside just bubbled up

And then brewed like decease.

I want to know, “Are you in love?”

But my mouth just couldn’t speak

I can’t tell I like you more

‘Cause to you, I’m just a friend

My emotions will burst into flames-

Hey! Why are you calling me sweet names?

Here I am, out of control

Of my pent up feelings for you

And my words just stumbled out about.

“I need someone I can’t live without.”

With those words I want to hit

My own self as you laughed a fit.

I blushed, embarrassed at that slip

Shocked at your surprising grip…

You ran your fingers through my hair.

My heart thudded, I gulped some air.

I looked at your face all aglow

With confession that you already know.

You held my hand, said with a voice

That you’ve never ever put to use

“So you’re looking for someone else to love you?

Oh well, let’s start anew.”

As I stood there, speechless, you continued:

“I hope that you could see

That the person you love that loves you

Is nobody else but me.”

Monday, June 22, 2009

It's Not About That


Author's note: I wrote this when I was in 4th year high school and I have just recently recovered this from the clutter of old files on my USB...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My memories flash to the times when you were always annoyed about me, talking about the slightest change I had done to my once thick hair. The times when you called me stupid and childish…

Last summer, I had my hair cut short. It was shoulder length that it was so difficult in putting it into a tight bun during military formations in my school. You never noticed my short hair because you were too busy to see me that day. One week later, our first meeting after a month, I asked you if you had seen something different about my hair.

You said you didn’t.

I was disappointed…

But despite that, I didn’t tell you that I was angry with you because of the stupid “you didn’t even see my new hair cut” thing. I thought that was the part of me that was too immature enough to freak out if you wouldn’t notice the change in my hairstyle, anyway.

After that meeting, after that day when you said you didn’t notice anything about my hair, I didn’t know that many days (even weeks) would pass- without you to see me.

I had my hair grow back to its original length. Just when I conditioned and told my self that I didn’t have any boyfriend at all, you called me and asked me if I was free on that certain day in mid June. We saw each other again, and after long walks in the park while having an ice cream treat, I asked you if you had noticed that my hair was much longer than the last time.

You just shrugged your shoulders off and told me I was acting foolish again. I was acting like a child while telling you for the hundredth time about my stupid hair.

The martyr side of me never mind nor cared about what you think about my hair, but the “child-like” (as you have said) side suddenly became irritated and I told you that it’s plainly not about that; it’s not about my “stupid” hair at all. Then, I walked away from you; wiping away all my tears as I turned my back from you.

Now, three months later, you are always staying with me. Is it because I was suddenly rushed to the hospital with my constant nosebleed and these violet bruises I have on my body? Is it because I have lost all my hair with my constant chemotherapy? Why are you treating me like this? Is it because I have lost the sleek and shiny, black hair that I used to have, having ugly regions in my head that has been hairless?


After you called me stupid and childish…

When in fact you were the one stupid enough to not understand what I mean. You didn’t realize that that was my way of telling you that you don’t even get in touch with me, that you don’t even realize subtle changes about me…

Obvious changes like the growth of my hair…

Because you were never with me, anyway...

And now your eyes fill with tears to see me like this? Oh! How I wished we could just turn back time and you would send me those balloons and chocolates with a grin on your face. Not with looks of… pity.

Please don’t do that… Now you could always notice changes about me because you are now staying with me beside my hospital bed. Now you could see the fast shedding of my hair from my head. At least you’ll see the change, at least you’re here with me, but I don’t know if I’m going to stay with you any longer…

….because I’m in so much pain.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Star




Tonight, I see clusters of stars,
And I ignore those past scars
That brought pain into my heart
Like it's been hit with a dart.

I seek for that special star.
Finding it from afar,
I marvel at it's rarity,
Awestruck at it's familiarity.

My mind steers clear
To let me dream of my cavalier.
I stare at that twinkling light
"Is he coming tonight?"

I wish and hope.
As if feeling myself grope,
I wait for the star to fall,
Beg it with a silent call.

One wish: that's all.
"Please, little star, just fall."
I can't wait forever.
I have only now, however.

I just want my perfect match.
My dream, I want to catch,
But I know it is impossible.
For my star is still unreachable.

~anamellie

Reminisce

1st Stanza:

It's 2am
The clock is ticking
And I lie awake thinking
'bout those times you were with me


2nd Stanza:

It's you and me
And our happy memories
Like leaves, they're changing
From green to gold, then fading


Refrain:

I don't want to pull away
To let go of this love gone astray
What could I do to make you come back,
Or make up for the things I lack?

Because...

Chorus:

We used to plan that happy ever after.
Wrapped each other with our laughter,
We wished on stars,
And hoped for every dream to be ours.
And the gazing over the moon
The singing of happy tunes
Do you remember?


3rd Stanza:

It used to be
Until the end you and me
But you walked away
And my world's now gray

But...

(Repeat Refrain and Chorus)


Bridge:

The river in your heart just ran dry
And I'll always remember...

(Repeat Chorus)

~anamellie

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Boy

When I was a child, I often dream of a boy. He's the person who would laugh at my silliness, tease me with his eyes rolling heavenward as I stomp my right foot on the ground during my girly tantrums, cheer me up with anecdotes during my gloomy days, walk me home after school and wrap his arms around my waist as he suggests we run through the hills and head through the meadows- to lie down on the grass and gaze up at the silver stars as we dream of traveling through places we've never been before. We'll hold each other close as we listen to the soft music created by the wind as they rush through the trees' branches; and the melody of hundreds of crickets during summertime.

On that meadow, on top of that same hill, he'll whisper to me those sweet words declaring his love for me and I'll tell him how much he means to me as well as I wish for that moment not to end.

On that meadow, we'll both think of building our castle- the house where we would raise our children and shower them with overflowing love we can't just keep between the two of us.

Once upon a time, I closed my eyes and wished for that moment to come and eventually find myself with this person I'll stay in love forever, and love him with the kind of love I fantasized as a child- the kind of love that made me remember the time I look up with admiration and envy at the woman who raised me... as I dream of becoming like her: an in love, happy, contented, and well-loved princess who is lucky to find her partner. I often wonder when and where I would meet my own prince...

It is a fantasy... rather, a kind of love I still want right now- neither puppy love nor platonic, not a love that would fade through time... but a love that is true and unconditional...

A universal love that would make someone's chest burst when not shared with someone whom she feels equates the world.

It's simple right?

Wrong.

Because, if love is simple and universal, why is it one of the hardest things to find?

If love is easily attainable, why is this prince- this boy unwilling to go to the ends of the world with me?

Because the truth is, I once found him. Or I thought I did. Only that he was nothing like the fantasies I had. He wasn't there to search for falling stars, to talk of dreams, and chase butterflies. He was never there to wipe the tears caused by terribly missing him. Most of the time, he isn't around even to hold my hand... but I loved him still. I loved him despite of his imperfections.

The real world, I realized, did not focus on wonderful metaphors and allegories. It all contained ironies. Ironic, that my simple dreams were not realized. Ironic, that I could not hold him when I most needed him. Ironic, that despite all he has done, I still found myself loving him, and ironic... that once I thought I found my 'prince', he turned out to be the person who walked out on me- the boy I loved didn't love me back.

For years, I hoped we would be together again. I was stupid and desperate and hopeful that there would always be a sweet time to wait for him to come back to me. I did that. Days, weeks, months, years... all I did was wait- wait for him to find me while I find a part of myself longing to wake up from this impossible dream and continue living without expecting this boy to return. "No, it's wrong to assume, it's wrong to expect... it's wrong to wait", my brain often chided.

Especially if this boy once made his way to me and decided to walk away in the end.

And my fantasies are all ruined. Boy, you're just a dream. Is... was... and always will be.

~anamellie

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Summer


Farewell, sweet summer;
Memories of your warmness,
I will always remember...



Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Gentleman




Shall I forget his raven colored hair, or his full red lips,
Or the warmth I felt on my fingertips as his hands held mine?
How can I not remember his honey brown eyes-
Which sent shivers through me,
As he fixed them on my unbelieving stare?

He swept me off my feet...
My gentleman, so sweet, so honest.
He gave me his heart, with love- the purest.
A fascinating man, with wit, intelligence, wisdom-
My Prince Charming in his humble little kingdom...

He's a heavenly being, with a smile so lovely.
He can breathe life into words, a lover of poetry.
He made me laugh- made my gloomy day seem bright.
And I'd never feel lonely in a cold cruel night.

An almost impeccable man- faithful, responsible even,
A little mysterious, intriguing, handsome, and obedient.
What have I done to deserve someone so fine?
Everything about him is a gift so divine...

And then I wake up to find this gentleman a dream.
What pity it is for you to say and believe
That this gentleman is my unreachable fantasy,
But I have a feeling he is real and somewhere near.

Have you ever seen my dream boy- the perfect man for me?
He's the man I wish to be with- forever I believe.
He has black hair, brown eyes... (see everything above)
Please... If you do, kindly lead him back to me.



~anamellie

Monday, May 4, 2009

Ten Candles

The sound of my cellphone ringing wakes me up.
"Hello," I say, wiping the sleep from my eyes.
No one replies. I just hear the background of the screaming of the children which annoys me so much.
I end the call. I shiver... as I realize what's happening.
The cellphone rings as I place it on the bedside table...
and rings...
I do not pick it up.
It stops ringing. I sigh. Relief washes over me.
I stand up and go towards the shower.
My cellphone beeps.
Twice!
Two messages.
I slowly approach the table and check.
This is Mom... Happy birthday, my daughter, it says.
Mom! It isn't my birthday today! I want to shout.
I read the other message:
Please... forgive me, I love you. It came from the same number.
I couldn't ignore it, I have to tell her she's got the wrong number.
I stare into space.
What do I do?
I reply, Thanks ma! And I forgive you! I love you too...
I'm so happy, I did not hurt her. Again.
I shower and change, I run downstairs and breathe.
Here goes... I inhale a lungful of air.
The children plays around the kitchen, chasing after each other.
My mother smiles at me, her hands outstretched as she holds the cake...
I want to cry.
Ten candles. The usual.
She sings Happy Birthday with her beautiful voice.
Just like yesterday.
And tomorrow.
I blow the candles, wishes there are eleven, or twelve, or... eighteen- my real age...
And my tears starts flowing.
---------------------
AN: First of all, I want to say that this is entirely FICTIONAL. This is one of the stories wherein I have no idea what happens as I start. The storyline just pops into my head as I write the words... and the idea about '50 first dates' struck me. But this is originally inspired by the anonymous text message I received which greeted me a 'happy birthday'. I concentrate from there and end up with this piece... Hope you like it! ^_^
~anamellie

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Heart

forest Pictures, Images and Photos

Silence-

So deafening that I could only hear my own heart.
Thud. thud. thud.
A steady beat
Heard as blood flowed through my veins.
Thud. thud. thud.
"Are you inside my heart?"

No answer, no whisper, nothing
Just the sound of the place I want him to be
My heart
which pumped the blood that traced
The soles of my naked feet.

Grimy-
For I stepped on the cold, damp earth
As it guarded the roots and trees
Of the deep dark forest

I ran-
Waiting to see the specks of light,
My hope, my chance
In a canopy of black.


I cried-
Cried the hardest.
Tears flowed down my tiny stream of tragedy,
Cause I'm lost in my own misery.

Someone please find me.
I'm screaming in agony,
For the place I want him to be,
But there was no reply.
He's never coming back,
And all I heard was
The last few beats of my heart
and then-
Silence.

~anamellie

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Three Roses and a Kiss

My boyfriend left me two years ago without explanation as to why he broke up with me. We were together for three years and nowadays, three years is a really, really long time to be in a relationship. If you ask me if losing him was painful, I honestly say that it was. But I’m not about crying barrels of tears because of mourning about that loss; anyway, it would be a complete waste of time if I did. I don’t completely hate Valentine’s Day but I don’t expect myself to like it either.
Tonight, the Eve of Valentines, I felt more alone than ever. Well, at least there’s someone to confide with me and to spend the night even if to me it seemed Halloween- my younger sister.
She was pacing at the living room where the two of us usually bonded. I was lucky that I had Sharina for the last seventeen years of my existence. I was twenty-one, older than her by four years. It was completely relieving to know that she really cared.
Sharina looked uneasy as she stared at the clock which showed exactly seven.
The doorbell rang and she begged me to open the door as she hurriedly sat on the sofa and pretended to open a magazine.
I smiled at Sharina and answered the door. I did not expect a small boy which looked a little older than nine. He had brown hair, and freckly face, and he looked neat.
He was wearing a polo shirt, a suspender and matching black slacks. On his other hand was a bowler hat he put on his chest as he greeted me.
“Are you Miss Sabina? Someone wants to give this to you,” he said with a cute voice and a sweet smile.
“Who, Why-" I tried to ask him as I accepted the flower, but he just shook his head and ran away as quickly as he can, ruining the beautiful charade.
I glanced at Sharina. She raised both her shoulders. She was just as puzzled as I am.
The stem of the flower had an attached note which said, “Sorry.” I thought to myself that the person who gave it must have been crazy for he asked to be forgiven, yet he didn’t tell me who he was. But I had a feeling that the person assumed that I knew him.
Anyhow, I stayed at the door, admiring the rose when another boy (with the same “uniform” as the first one) came, holding another rose. A white one. As soon as the rose reached my grip, he ran as fast as he can.
The stem held another message.
“Forgive me”.
The two annoying words displayed in my mind as if I was seeing it with blinking twinkle lights. The flowers must have come from the same person.
I shut (more like slammed) the door. I sat on the living room sofa, and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself. There was another door bell and I ignored it. Sharina, sitting just opposite me, managed to walk and get the door. When she came back, she held a note. She handed it to me as she giggled.
“No Valentine… huh!” she teased. I rolled my eyes as I grabbed the note from her.
“What’s this?” Someone must have been playing a prank on me, knowing that I was lonely and without a date tomorrow for Valentines. That was it.
I opened the envelope which held my name.
The note contained two lines:
Two for each year I’ve been away…
One for the day, we’ll meet again.
I stared at the note. Now, I felt my suspicions were correct. After leaving me without an explanation, he was going to reconcile with me and our relationship would be okay as if nothing happened.
The day we’ll meet again. What does he mean?
I placed the two roses on a vase I positioned carefully on a table inside the room. (I couldn’t refuse the lovely flowers.) I was still thinking why he gave them, and I was hyperventilating in the living room, not knowing if I’ll cry or not.
I often let my mind rule over my heart. My heart says I want him back, and let’s just say, my mind wouldn’t want to. Oftentimes, I feel like I’m following a script called what I should feel when this happens and the director was my mind.
The door bell rang for the third time. Again, I did not answer it, but my sister hurried to open it anyway.
She barked at the person outside, “What do you want?”
I turned to look at the person. It was Jeremy, my sister’s best-friend-turned-worst-enemy just because he tried to tell his real feelings towards her, and by the looks of it, hasn’t given up on her yet.
“Sharina, I-“
“I told you, Jeremy. I don’t want to be more than what we are. If you don’t want that, then get lost.”
And she slammed the door and took the seat opposite me.
“Strike three,” she whispered and a grin was forming on her face.
“You know what? I think you should give him a chance,” I told her, sympathizing with the boy I knew so much by the number of hours he has been with my sister.
“Impossible!” she exclaimed, as she smiled at me.
“What?”
“That my only sister would think the same.”
“What?” I said again, completely at a loss.
She just ignored me.
The door bell rang for the fourth -and I hoped the last- time tonight. My sister whirled toward the door and I now understood what she meant.
Of course, she was just giving Jeremy some test. She loves him too and she wants to prove how serious he was by rejecting him… like tonight… and by how many times he would try to win her again. But I just hoped Jeremy wouldn’t give up yet. It might just hurt my sister.
I looked at Sharina and her face said that I was right.
She cheerfully opened the door but her expression changed when she realized it was not Jeremy.
Not Jeremy but…
“Taylor,” I gasped.
“Taylor! Come in! Come in!” my sister shrieked. I never saw her look that excited for days. Not even with the I hate you Jeremy pretenses.
Taylor took a step and was “in” when I shouted, “Stay where you are!”
The sound of my voice made him back away.
My sister was shocked. She pulled my right hand which was useless because I felt my two feet dragging me towards the door anyway.
When I was officially “out”, Sharina closed the door and locked me outside with the man whom I’m not so sure what my heart feels for.
But I’m quite sure with the mind thing. It kept telling me that I should hate Taylor because he hurt me when he left me two years ago, without explanation, and without warning.
I don’t even know if he still treated me as his girlfriend while he was away. For all we know, he may have hundreds of girls while I was left here thinking about him. Though, I don’t love him anymore. To me, he is an ex-boyfriend. A past I don’t want to relive. My mind says so.
“One for the day we meet again,” Taylor quoted, removing me from my trance as he handed me a large, long-stemmed, red, Californian rose.
He smiled his signature smile and his dimples showed on his right cheek. I stared at the floor mat just so he couldn’t see my face redden. I have a feeling it was as red as it was warm.
He held my chin with his hand and looked at me with his smoky green eyes placed on a perfectly chiseled face which took my breath away…
Stop!
I’m not supposed to tell that.
“So it was really you, wasn’t it? What made you come back?” I casually asked him, with a streak of sarcasm in my voice.
“Ouch,” he said as he put his balled fist on his chest. He was teasing and it wasn’t funny to me.
“Or better yet, why did you leave?” I wanted this question to be answered first.
“What kind of a lunatic man-“
“Oh, I don’t know. Men like you, perhaps?” I interrupted.
“Yes, I admit I was crazy, by leaving you. But please, let me explain,” he said with pleading eyes.
I remained quiet.
“You know I have amnesia that I couldn’t remember who I was or what I did before I met you. But that night- the night I left, everything came back to me-“
“So that’s why, you seemed different that night. You weren’t my Taylor,” I interrupted again.
“No, I didn’t forget you. I didn’t forget me. But some other memory tampered with my memories of you. I felt confused. I didn’t know if you really existed. I thought you were just a dream. But something told me that you’re more than that. But I didn’t want to hurt you when the time comes I wouldn’t recognize you anymore. It’s coming, Sabina, my condition could get worse. I left without explaining. I was selfish. I’m sorry.
“I know I belong here, with you. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me for leaving like that, but I kept battling with myself because part of me still believed that you should live a normal life. I want you to forget me because I don’t know how stable this mind would be. Dream or not, someday, soon, this mind may not recognize you any longer, though my heart really battled to never forget you.” I felt the pain in his voice as it trailed away.
“You want me to forget you? How would forgetting you make me live a normal life?” I felt a lump on my throat.
“Can’t you understand? I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want you to let me remember time and again that I should love you. I want you to love and be loved in return, normally. I love you, Sabina, this” –he clutched at his heart- “wouldn’t forget that, but I don’t know until when my mind would recognize you. I came here selfishly Sabina because I want to see you, even if it’s the last time I would. Forgive me. Forgive me for this.”
And he crushed his lips against mine. I wanted to pull away from him but I couldn’t. Instead, I just kissed him back as I felt his soft lips I missed for a very long time.
It felt like forever before our lips parted.
I looked at Taylor and cried. “I need you forever, even if it would end today. I forgive you, Taylor. I love you!” I embraced him tightly as tears continued to well down my cheeks.
A realization came over me. I let my mind rule over my heart, a principle I’ve quite developed. Yet here he is in front of me, trying to fight his mind with his heart. - A heart that says that there’s no one else but me. Now I know, that my heart also screamed for him.
“I didn’t know some romantics still existed today,” I smiled at him as I admired the rose. It was the third rose tonight.
We were about to kiss again when Jeremy appeared.
“Oops… Sorry,” he apologized, seeing what his wrong timing had caused.
“Don’t be. Sharina’s inside the house,” I winked at him as I pressed the door bell button, knowing that four hearts would never be the same tonight, at the eve of Valentine’s Day.

~anamellie