Monday, June 29, 2009

Nobody Else

I was used to you and me,

Walking side by side...

Talking ‘bout our hopes and dreams,

Staring at the skies.

Like stars, your eyes are shining bright

Emerald green… such a pretty sight

You seem to be walking on the clouds

“Why?” I want to ask aloud.

But the question inside just bubbled up

And then brewed like decease.

I want to know, “Are you in love?”

But my mouth just couldn’t speak

I can’t tell I like you more

‘Cause to you, I’m just a friend

My emotions will burst into flames-

Hey! Why are you calling me sweet names?

Here I am, out of control

Of my pent up feelings for you

And my words just stumbled out about.

“I need someone I can’t live without.”

With those words I want to hit

My own self as you laughed a fit.

I blushed, embarrassed at that slip

Shocked at your surprising grip…

You ran your fingers through my hair.

My heart thudded, I gulped some air.

I looked at your face all aglow

With confession that you already know.

You held my hand, said with a voice

That you’ve never ever put to use

“So you’re looking for someone else to love you?

Oh well, let’s start anew.”

As I stood there, speechless, you continued:

“I hope that you could see

That the person you love that loves you

Is nobody else but me.”

Monday, June 22, 2009

It's Not About That


Author's note: I wrote this when I was in 4th year high school and I have just recently recovered this from the clutter of old files on my USB...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My memories flash to the times when you were always annoyed about me, talking about the slightest change I had done to my once thick hair. The times when you called me stupid and childish…

Last summer, I had my hair cut short. It was shoulder length that it was so difficult in putting it into a tight bun during military formations in my school. You never noticed my short hair because you were too busy to see me that day. One week later, our first meeting after a month, I asked you if you had seen something different about my hair.

You said you didn’t.

I was disappointed…

But despite that, I didn’t tell you that I was angry with you because of the stupid “you didn’t even see my new hair cut” thing. I thought that was the part of me that was too immature enough to freak out if you wouldn’t notice the change in my hairstyle, anyway.

After that meeting, after that day when you said you didn’t notice anything about my hair, I didn’t know that many days (even weeks) would pass- without you to see me.

I had my hair grow back to its original length. Just when I conditioned and told my self that I didn’t have any boyfriend at all, you called me and asked me if I was free on that certain day in mid June. We saw each other again, and after long walks in the park while having an ice cream treat, I asked you if you had noticed that my hair was much longer than the last time.

You just shrugged your shoulders off and told me I was acting foolish again. I was acting like a child while telling you for the hundredth time about my stupid hair.

The martyr side of me never mind nor cared about what you think about my hair, but the “child-like” (as you have said) side suddenly became irritated and I told you that it’s plainly not about that; it’s not about my “stupid” hair at all. Then, I walked away from you; wiping away all my tears as I turned my back from you.

Now, three months later, you are always staying with me. Is it because I was suddenly rushed to the hospital with my constant nosebleed and these violet bruises I have on my body? Is it because I have lost all my hair with my constant chemotherapy? Why are you treating me like this? Is it because I have lost the sleek and shiny, black hair that I used to have, having ugly regions in my head that has been hairless?


After you called me stupid and childish…

When in fact you were the one stupid enough to not understand what I mean. You didn’t realize that that was my way of telling you that you don’t even get in touch with me, that you don’t even realize subtle changes about me…

Obvious changes like the growth of my hair…

Because you were never with me, anyway...

And now your eyes fill with tears to see me like this? Oh! How I wished we could just turn back time and you would send me those balloons and chocolates with a grin on your face. Not with looks of… pity.

Please don’t do that… Now you could always notice changes about me because you are now staying with me beside my hospital bed. Now you could see the fast shedding of my hair from my head. At least you’ll see the change, at least you’re here with me, but I don’t know if I’m going to stay with you any longer…

….because I’m in so much pain.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Star




Tonight, I see clusters of stars,
And I ignore those past scars
That brought pain into my heart
Like it's been hit with a dart.

I seek for that special star.
Finding it from afar,
I marvel at it's rarity,
Awestruck at it's familiarity.

My mind steers clear
To let me dream of my cavalier.
I stare at that twinkling light
"Is he coming tonight?"

I wish and hope.
As if feeling myself grope,
I wait for the star to fall,
Beg it with a silent call.

One wish: that's all.
"Please, little star, just fall."
I can't wait forever.
I have only now, however.

I just want my perfect match.
My dream, I want to catch,
But I know it is impossible.
For my star is still unreachable.

~anamellie

Reminisce

1st Stanza:

It's 2am
The clock is ticking
And I lie awake thinking
'bout those times you were with me


2nd Stanza:

It's you and me
And our happy memories
Like leaves, they're changing
From green to gold, then fading


Refrain:

I don't want to pull away
To let go of this love gone astray
What could I do to make you come back,
Or make up for the things I lack?

Because...

Chorus:

We used to plan that happy ever after.
Wrapped each other with our laughter,
We wished on stars,
And hoped for every dream to be ours.
And the gazing over the moon
The singing of happy tunes
Do you remember?


3rd Stanza:

It used to be
Until the end you and me
But you walked away
And my world's now gray

But...

(Repeat Refrain and Chorus)


Bridge:

The river in your heart just ran dry
And I'll always remember...

(Repeat Chorus)

~anamellie

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Boy

When I was a child, I often dream of a boy. He's the person who would laugh at my silliness, tease me with his eyes rolling heavenward as I stomp my right foot on the ground during my girly tantrums, cheer me up with anecdotes during my gloomy days, walk me home after school and wrap his arms around my waist as he suggests we run through the hills and head through the meadows- to lie down on the grass and gaze up at the silver stars as we dream of traveling through places we've never been before. We'll hold each other close as we listen to the soft music created by the wind as they rush through the trees' branches; and the melody of hundreds of crickets during summertime.

On that meadow, on top of that same hill, he'll whisper to me those sweet words declaring his love for me and I'll tell him how much he means to me as well as I wish for that moment not to end.

On that meadow, we'll both think of building our castle- the house where we would raise our children and shower them with overflowing love we can't just keep between the two of us.

Once upon a time, I closed my eyes and wished for that moment to come and eventually find myself with this person I'll stay in love forever, and love him with the kind of love I fantasized as a child- the kind of love that made me remember the time I look up with admiration and envy at the woman who raised me... as I dream of becoming like her: an in love, happy, contented, and well-loved princess who is lucky to find her partner. I often wonder when and where I would meet my own prince...

It is a fantasy... rather, a kind of love I still want right now- neither puppy love nor platonic, not a love that would fade through time... but a love that is true and unconditional...

A universal love that would make someone's chest burst when not shared with someone whom she feels equates the world.

It's simple right?

Wrong.

Because, if love is simple and universal, why is it one of the hardest things to find?

If love is easily attainable, why is this prince- this boy unwilling to go to the ends of the world with me?

Because the truth is, I once found him. Or I thought I did. Only that he was nothing like the fantasies I had. He wasn't there to search for falling stars, to talk of dreams, and chase butterflies. He was never there to wipe the tears caused by terribly missing him. Most of the time, he isn't around even to hold my hand... but I loved him still. I loved him despite of his imperfections.

The real world, I realized, did not focus on wonderful metaphors and allegories. It all contained ironies. Ironic, that my simple dreams were not realized. Ironic, that I could not hold him when I most needed him. Ironic, that despite all he has done, I still found myself loving him, and ironic... that once I thought I found my 'prince', he turned out to be the person who walked out on me- the boy I loved didn't love me back.

For years, I hoped we would be together again. I was stupid and desperate and hopeful that there would always be a sweet time to wait for him to come back to me. I did that. Days, weeks, months, years... all I did was wait- wait for him to find me while I find a part of myself longing to wake up from this impossible dream and continue living without expecting this boy to return. "No, it's wrong to assume, it's wrong to expect... it's wrong to wait", my brain often chided.

Especially if this boy once made his way to me and decided to walk away in the end.

And my fantasies are all ruined. Boy, you're just a dream. Is... was... and always will be.

~anamellie