Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Boy

When I was a child, I often dream of a boy. He's the person who would laugh at my silliness, tease me with his eyes rolling heavenward as I stomp my right foot on the ground during my girly tantrums, cheer me up with anecdotes during my gloomy days, walk me home after school and wrap his arms around my waist as he suggests we run through the hills and head through the meadows- to lie down on the grass and gaze up at the silver stars as we dream of traveling through places we've never been before. We'll hold each other close as we listen to the soft music created by the wind as they rush through the trees' branches; and the melody of hundreds of crickets during summertime.

On that meadow, on top of that same hill, he'll whisper to me those sweet words declaring his love for me and I'll tell him how much he means to me as well as I wish for that moment not to end.

On that meadow, we'll both think of building our castle- the house where we would raise our children and shower them with overflowing love we can't just keep between the two of us.

Once upon a time, I closed my eyes and wished for that moment to come and eventually find myself with this person I'll stay in love forever, and love him with the kind of love I fantasized as a child- the kind of love that made me remember the time I look up with admiration and envy at the woman who raised me... as I dream of becoming like her: an in love, happy, contented, and well-loved princess who is lucky to find her partner. I often wonder when and where I would meet my own prince...

It is a fantasy... rather, a kind of love I still want right now- neither puppy love nor platonic, not a love that would fade through time... but a love that is true and unconditional...

A universal love that would make someone's chest burst when not shared with someone whom she feels equates the world.

It's simple right?

Wrong.

Because, if love is simple and universal, why is it one of the hardest things to find?

If love is easily attainable, why is this prince- this boy unwilling to go to the ends of the world with me?

Because the truth is, I once found him. Or I thought I did. Only that he was nothing like the fantasies I had. He wasn't there to search for falling stars, to talk of dreams, and chase butterflies. He was never there to wipe the tears caused by terribly missing him. Most of the time, he isn't around even to hold my hand... but I loved him still. I loved him despite of his imperfections.

The real world, I realized, did not focus on wonderful metaphors and allegories. It all contained ironies. Ironic, that my simple dreams were not realized. Ironic, that I could not hold him when I most needed him. Ironic, that despite all he has done, I still found myself loving him, and ironic... that once I thought I found my 'prince', he turned out to be the person who walked out on me- the boy I loved didn't love me back.

For years, I hoped we would be together again. I was stupid and desperate and hopeful that there would always be a sweet time to wait for him to come back to me. I did that. Days, weeks, months, years... all I did was wait- wait for him to find me while I find a part of myself longing to wake up from this impossible dream and continue living without expecting this boy to return. "No, it's wrong to assume, it's wrong to expect... it's wrong to wait", my brain often chided.

Especially if this boy once made his way to me and decided to walk away in the end.

And my fantasies are all ruined. Boy, you're just a dream. Is... was... and always will be.

~anamellie

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