A Shadow of His Past

Even though I keep missing him this much, even though I keep thinking about him a lot, I know our hearts would never be an inch closer to each other, because I know that even though he's seeing me, and he really makes me feel that I'm important to him, I could tell that somewhere in the distance, beyond the warmness of his glance, he's still seeing someone far greater than I am.

I know, I cannot be compared with this person, I'll just end up the loser in the game of parity. It's like putting square pegs for round holes. It's stupid and unimaginable to compare myself with someone beyond my reach, that even if I stood at the top of the highest mountain, I still would not be able to touch the clouds.

It's really agonizing to think about him, to know that even if I try to forget him through my deep sleep, I would still be haunted by our memories... or at least, my memories, with him.

I often cry, and with the tears came another set of familiar pain and loneliness, covering me with doubt and hopelessness. Everything just died, what I thought our love was, his sweet forever's, everything!

In the end, I realized that he never loved me anyway, that all he sees when he looks at me is just the memory of the girl he once loved, that he's not ready to let go.

I was just a substitute for someone he had lost in the past, someone he greatly wants to hold and keep. I was just that blueprint, existing only for that sole purpose in his life. I was just that shadow of his past, someone who would patch his broken heart but never to mend it, for the pieces had been left with the girl he still loves, and it will be forever hers...




~anamellie, 102508

The Feeling I want You to Feel

Fifteen minutes to twelve… I toss here and there trying to close my eyes and sleep, but whenever I do, a picture of you and me together goes inside my head. I manage a deep sigh because I couldn’t get you out of my ,mind.

Memories… are they the reason why I have this stinging feeling inside my throat? Why am I holding back this possible downpour of tears that would wet my pillow? I’m not supposed to feel this. It is completely unfair for me to cry knowing that hundreds of miles away, you have no care in the world about how I am feeling right now. You may be celebrating that at last, at long last, you are free from me, the annoying and nagging thing you’ve grown to hate…

Because I was (at one time) loved by you, I could tell. But what happened after that, I don’t know. It’s as if I’ve woken from my most wonderful dream and seeing reality for the first time- a bittersweet reality.

To escape from it, I often dwell on dreams, on what-ifs, on wishes, on memories…

But to tell you the truth, there’s more to it than just memories.

I just want you to feel how painful it is to look back at the time our growing love declined. Though, looking back on good times was much agonizing than that.

I hope that you’ve figured it out by this time. But in case you wouldn’t be able to… love. This is the feeling I want you to feel towards me as it is also the feeling I’m feeling for you right now. Yes, it never changed.




~anamellie, 101708

Twin soul

The end of summer brought tears to my eyes.

That’s because I knew that it would be completely different without him. I knew from the start that it’s really impossible to be with him forever because we have our separate lives to live. We have different paths to take. Imagining him with me has been too impossible to form even with the dreamiest state of my mind.

It was as if I were standing on the shore and longing to see another island in the distance, but seeing only the horizon stretching into infinity. It was like being stranded on a deserted island waiting for nothing, and knowing that it would be like that until I die from the heat and lost of water to drink.

I lost hope that day, as I stared at him while controlling my tears from falling. I knew that that was a real goodbye. The goodbye I was most afraid to witness, the goodbye that said, “If we’ll meet, we’ll meet. If we’re not going to, then we’ll just have to forget each other as if nothing happened”. That was it. Goodbye to commitments. There would be no hurts and no tears…

But I knew we were wrong.

I knew that the real reason why I’m crying right now is because of that promise of no commitments. How I wish, we committed ourselves and just went with the flow, like the water falling from the mountain, with no choice but to go down… But we had our own choices, and choices made us part our ways and never to see each others face, nor smile, nor tears…

I guess he was not my twin soul after all. I was most certain from the start that he was. But after that painful experiences of late-night crying, of pondering about things about us, of quarrels, of being friends again, of awkwardness, taught me all about the things and the status we are in right now… Not friends, nor lovers… Not even enemies. We are but strangers, barely two random faces in a crowd, waiting for our twin souls that would eventually be ours forever. We are in the same state of searching, but he’s not mine, and I’m not his.

Never.




~anamellie, 100708