The Loser

I could never forget the day you stood under the rain. I saw you staring up the sky and almost never blinking. I grabbed your hand but you pushed me aside as easily as if I were a child. I looked at your rain-washed face but still knew you were crying. I wanted to comfort you, as my mind thought "I told you so," but thought better than even hugging you. So I opened my umbrella and sheltered you from the big droplets of water. My brain chided "I hate her! I hate her!"

She gave you her final words and tainted them with lies. She promised to love you when she accepted your heart. It was all a sham. She left you confused and weak and falling down the sewers. She tricked you with the silly word "forever" and sweet-coated her "I love you's".

For a certain, I feel like an assassin ready to hunt her down. I want to rage like a lion just to get even with the girl who hurt you. But when I look at your eyes still full of love for her, I almost restrain myself- even control my anger.

Almost. Because there's still a part of me that wants to give you a serious blow in the head or even a punch on the stomach! Maybe you would be able to know how you have been acting lately- stupid, perhaps even a loser. She was not worth your tears, she was not even worth your time. A girl like her is someone to be avoided "forever". There! I feel for the word in a way she had never gave importance to it.

When you fake your smile, I still feel your pain because it seems as if I'm the only person who knows the agony you are bearing. You have no idea how much I want to hug you every time someone mentions her name. You don't really have a clue how much I wish I could take away the hurt caused by her. And during those many nights, I cried for you, hoping that you have not left to her the pieces of your broken heart. This girl (I) would have wanted to mend it for you...

Still, you are staring at the distance, on the farthest reaches of your world. A world where I doubt I even exist. You are with her, dwelling in your memories of the past, wishing on stars, singing happy tunes... while I'm here, giving you the kind of love I think you deserve.

Who is really the loser? Her, For breaking your heart as she broke her promise? You, For clinging on to a nonexistent string of hope? Or me, For fixing your broken heart that, in the first place, is still in her possession?

In the game of parity, I will never win against her. You will never learn to love me genuinely. You are stuck in the past, gazing at someone far greater than I am. I am here. You are there. And when you glance at me, I never fail to see how those fragments of your heart will never be mine.

Now there's no question about it. I am the loser... and it's a matter of time I accept it and get over you.




~anamellie, 051010

Author's Note: Just another fictional prose.