Remorse

I hope I will not be able to say this again but... I'm sorry. I have wronged you. I have been as selfish as a dream snatcher that I've allowed you to dwell into the world of the past and made you pick up what you can barely get from your failures. You became sorry for some of the decisions you have made for yourself. There were also times when you thought that the events of the present could not have happened if a certain decision in the past branched out to the opposite of what you have picked. There were times when you thought you deserved the path you were treading on yet you were still mumbling to yourself that you could have chosen better. I admit it was all my fault.

If it weren't for me, you would be happy with wherever and whatever you are right now. If it were not for me, you would not cry yourself to sleep while dousing the feeling of being able to live. You developed a habit of always looking in retrospect and thinking that you badly misunderstood yourself when you thought that that dream would make you whole; or for your supposedly impeccable thinking that that other dream was just a phase and that more things are in store for you. I know that you can never have time back. This is why I am apologizing to you.

This is just the way I am. The past is my strong comfort for I dwell in it. So don't blame me if I speak more of it than others you know.

My eyes are filled with tears and my heart is in pain and anguish as I write this. Please believe me when I say that I deeply remorse the things I've done. If I were to turn back time, as you would have (deeply influenced by me), I would have chosen differently. I would have chosen a path that would've put a smile on your face and would forever set you in high spirits.

Having to decide between two things is a very peculiar thing, because you either choose wrongly or you choose the right decision. Either way, something is lost. And my influence on you made you think that your one decision caused you to lose a dream you deeply cherished! What kind of being am I? I deprived you of your secret longing; the thing I knew most about you. I can never give you anything; I can never undo the wrong. All I can offer is a silent prayer and a desire that deep down, you can somehow find a way to make things right despite of me. A friend of mine said that you are tough, for you have survived loads of adversities and foes. You can still make your life bearable, if not perfect. As for me, I have gone a long way. I have wronged you and it's time for the punishment- my punishment that I would humbly accept and embrace with open arms. I will be forever gone in your life as deep anticipation erases me from your presence. I will become just a memory, a talisman, like a reminder of how you scraped your knee, or of how your mother scolded you when you couldn't get to write a simple circle on your three-lined paper. I will be forever gone. And in my absence, I will ask someone to take my place. Please welcome her as you have welcomed me. Learn from her as you have learned from me. Challenge her, feed your memories of her and you would somehow be close to receiving what you truly deserve. Instead of me, the antagonist in your perfect story.

Please do not anymore remember me. I opt to be forever out of your life. For good. Really for good.

Sincerely,
Regret

PS. Please open your heart for Contentment now... before it's too late.




~anamellie, 060410