Saturday, June 10, 2006

How Can I Tell You That I Love You


She clutched his letter next to her heart. She had read it many times, but the pain she felt was so fresh and the cut in her heart was so deep as if it had only happened this very moment.

This was what the letter said:

Dearest Trisha,

I watched you laugh and sit on the swing under our huge tree. Your auburn hair swayed and danced with the fallen brown leaves against the cold wind of autumn…

And we chased after each other all day during the hot summer, playing tag.

We've been together as friends. We cried, we laughed, and we quarreled just like any other normal friends do. You gave me a smile, enough to make me warm during the cold days of winter, the same grateful smile you give me whenever I pick up flowers for you or get you an ice cream from our fridge, but I could never explain why that smile made my heart do somersaults that day.

It was love... and I knew it had started that time.

I never told you my feelings, and I never told you that you're the reason why sometimes, I couldn't sleep at night… or sometimes, I even lose my appetite. I never could tell you how I liked your name written on my palm. I haven’t got courage to tell you, and I just contented myself by putting this inside my mind, “How can I tell you that I love you, we are just fifteen?”

Our paths got separated. I left you, your tears pouring down your beautiful face. I never meant to make you cry. I hugged you and even wiped away your tears. When I was cut away from our embrace, I looked at your tear-stained face, and I realized that it would be the very last time I would see you. Even though I never want that moment to end, even though I still want to be locked inside your arms, I knew it was really goodbye for us.

But again, I kept my feelings inside my heart even though it was too painful to not tell you how I feel. I couldn’t even tell you how much I love you. How can I tell you that I love you, when I was about to leave?

Even though we had never seen each others faces again, I still thought of you, I still miss you, and I still love you. I reminisce the moments we used to have when we were young. The way we watch the sunset together, the way we wished for snow to be gone, or the way you gazed your chestnut brown eyes at me.

Then the day came when I got to see you again. We bumped at each other, and you smiled. You were with someone. And after minutes of awkward conversation, My heart felt like it was ripping into pieces. I couldn't forgive myself for not confessing I love you before...

Tears rolled down my face as I saw you leave... hand in hand with him. How can I tell you that I love you, when someone's already owning your heart?

I know that before you even read this letter…

She skipped that part, that part where she felt her heart was being crushed by an invisible hand on her chest.

…but I want you to know that I really love you and I’ll still be waiting for you.

Love forever,

Tears rolled down her wrinkled face as she hated Christian, the same way she had loved him. She didn’t know he had leukemia, not until she was informed that he died because of it.

“If he only told me that he loved me,” was the thing she said before she closed her eyes and died.